Archives For August 2017

A Letter to Our Baby

admin —  August 16, 2017 — Leave a comment

You are a gift, a blessing and a sign of redemption.  You are our rainbow baby.  The hope after the storm.

When I saw that second line and knew you were present, I was ecstatic.  I had a huge smile on my face all day long and I couldn’t stop worshipping.  The weekend was your earthly father’s birthday and I was surprising him with a trip to the mountains.  I knew that the news of your life was going to be the best birthday gift I could give him.
Finally, when he came home I gave him the present of the trip and your arrival news.  He was thrilled.  We both could not contain our excitement for you to be apart of our story and family.

Soon after the excitement wore off once we got home from the trip, I began to worry. I started doubting God’s goodness and just hoping you would stay with us. I longed to know you, to hold you and to kiss your face. I was still dealing with the loss of your brother, Jonah.  I thought I was in a good place but the news of your little life brought all of my fears back.

I had learned some hard lessons through your brother’s story and was determined to put them into action.  Every time a fear or doubt would creep up, I would pray and hand you over to our Heavenly Father.  I found myself having to reaffirm my trust, faith and hope daily; if not hourly. Throughout this time I wanted to keep it to ourselves.  We didn’t tell your oldest brother or any family.  Your daddy and I decided we wanted to just enjoy you for a while and keep it to ourselves.  However, part of me really wanted to keep it quiet out of the fear.

Then it came to a peak. The day you were 6 weeks along in me, I got a virus. I was running a fever, couldn’t get out of bed, and couldn’t keep any substance in me. I knew that you could be in danger and this was so close to the exact time your brother Jonah went back to Heaven. I was terrified. I prayed hard. I had 2 others praying for you as well. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you but at the same time I knew I had to hand you over and trust God.  I couldn’t do anything to save you or even protect you. All I could do was pray.

Well the virus passed and so did the day in pregnancy I had been dreading.  You now had been on this earth longer than the one that came before you.

After the scare I didn’t feel like I could emotionally do it anymore. I soon just started ignoring your existence.  I knew in my mind you were here but I wouldn’t think about it.  I wouldn’t keep track of your development or even let myself dream.  I wouldn’t talk about you or let myself hope. I would lay on the couch, out of energy and not eating much, and just felt stuck. While I would cherish every nauseous feeling with your oldest brother with glee, I would just feel sick with you and not let my mind go to your precious life and the work you were doing.

Looking back, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I didn’t cherish you for your life.  I put myself first in what I could handle and didn’t want to deal with your existence. I’m sorry I denied you.

When you had been in me for about 9 weeks, I finally felt like I woke up. I started feeling a little better physically and you came back to my mind. I know it was your Heavenly Father nudging me to not only acknowledge you but to recognize Him because something changed in me. I began to look up your growth, I got excited to tell our family and friends, I began to talk about you, pray for you.  I started to hope again. I realized that I had been depressed over the very thing I wanted, prayed for, cried over, hoped for and longed to have.

Your earthly daddy is a patient and loving man. Through all of this, he let me go through the journey I needed to go on while taking care of me and your brother. He was excited for both of us when I couldn’t. He loves with a fierce love and he already has that love for you. He is the best daddy around and I’m so excited for you to meet him.

At 10 weeks we went to see/hear you.  When we told your oldest brother about you he was filled with joy.  He had prayed for you and loved you even before he knew of your existence. He wants you and can’t wait to teach you things.

He only had one reservation, that you are alone in my womb. See when we lost your brother, Malachi was devastated.  He grieved and wanted answers. I felt for him because I was in the same place. Soon after, he started praying for you to come but was insistent God give us 2 babies. Since you are alone, he is now already praying for the other baby he desires.  However, through all of it, he can’t wait to have you in his life. He already hugs you, kisses you and loves you so much.

When your daddy and I saw you for the first time, you were so full of life. You were dancing, waving, playing and hiding. We couldn’t stop smiling and laughing. To see that you were not only there but that you were so joyful, it was a wash over my heart and soul. Your brother was there too, laughing and watching with such intent.

You are your own precious life. You have always been wanted. You are not a second choice. You are not an accident. You have been wanted, prayed for, and desired for over a year. On the other side of the storm of heartbreak, you are our dawn.

Throughout the process of wanting you, your Heavenly Father has led us to be a foster family. This was not out of you not arriving, but out of His provision for our lives. His will, love and grace that He wants us to experience. You will be entering this world as our third child, but second to come fully earth side. However, you may have many other brothers and sisters in and out of your life.

I want you to know that you were hand picked for us to have at this moment in our lives. God knew exactly when you should enter our lives. Not only for us, but He knew when you should come because He already has a plan for your life. Little one, you are being hand crafted by our Creator and King. You already have a story. You have already been used by God to fulfill a purpose in your mama’s heart that was needed. You have changed me and will continue to teach me. God is already using you for His glory.

After I lost Jonah, I lost some other things in my life. I had to learn some hard lessons and went through a rough time wrestling our God. I realized He had put me in a season of wait. I didn’t like it but I knew He was wanting me to wait because He had something big coming. As I prayed throughout the end of last year, a word came to me for this year. This is the first year I have ever had a word revealed to me to arch over the year and it was out of the grace of God I received one this year. It was REDEEM!

I knew God was going to redeem many things in my life this year. I was praying for Him to move and do some mighty things as He allowed me to come out of my season of wait.

You, gift from God, child of mine, are part of our story. You are our hope. You, sweet rainbow baby, are our joy in the morning. My heart has ached and longed for you. I would cry out that my heart had already grown to love you but felt empty without you. I praise our Heavenly Father that He is sending you when He chose in His perfect timing.

You will do some mighty things for the Kingdom, I feel it. We have a good Father in Heaven and he is knitting you perfectly together within me. I pray over you that you will grow to love our God and be a child of His. For you to know how He is already using you before you have taken your first breath. He knows you; your name, personality and His plans for you. Trust Him little one. Because even in the darkness of night with uncertainty and sorrow, always comes the morning with new joy and grace.